A real turn up!.

My original plan for this post was to begin my long term project of collecting and documenting the many accounts of the 1619 invasion by the holy Mormon Empire, an undertaking i am well into the act of painting the various forces for).

Burkinshire troops of the early 17th century. (Pendraken, 10mm miniatures).

 That however will have to wait. It has come to light that the small amount of infomation we had been privy to regarding the 1335 2nd war of the massive Faux Pas has been found to be inaccurate!. The esteemed hispurian professor D.D Flatitude has unearthed a large number of documents that if (non)accredited will prove once and for all that the root of the trouble was not the selling of a three legged pig after the noon hour on a tuesday in Dawkinsholme market by the 23rd Lord of Wrippin Pines as previously believed but actually by the misspelling of the name of the town of Bolted Crevice on an official map produced for the crown by the cartographers Pidelage, Wetlegg and Stabber of Dawkinsholme, which if the new infomation is to be trusted led to the 19th lord of Bolted Crevice to exclaim 'Its an insult to my family, my estate and my staff... and my wife...fetch my sword, theres much gutting of utter bas*ards to be done!!'.

The original map produced by Pidelage, Wetlegg and Stabber as found in the new documentation. Notice the extra U in the spelling of Bolted Crevice.

 Its position in Olde Albilande.

 It was this that led to the attack at Rippletons mound which is still reckoned to be the first action of the war. The incident with the pig actually seems to be a deliberate act of defiance in order to 'strike back' at the town of Dawkinsholme, if you will retaliation rather than the simple yet deadly mistake it has been seen as up until now. This would make the forces of Bolted Crevice the agressors rather than the targets of the attack as formally believed!. It is my intention to recreate the war in miniature over the next few months using the new material to guide me in doing so, firstly as i think it would be good to provide a visual account of the various actions of the war but also because if the new found infomation proves to be true i will finally get the drop on that as*hole William P Bry, not first to this one huh?, blo*dy smug git!.

  I hope to have the account of Rippletons mound ready to post as soon as the material discovered by Prof Flatitude have been proved to be (un)factual.

The (not even close to being) complete military history of Olde Albilande...so far

  In my last post i went over my reasons for starting this study into nonhistory. In this post i thought it best to give a rough view of the infomation we know about the nation in question over the period i am intending to cover.
   My intention is to recreate the wars that never occured in Olde Albilande between the years of 318 A.D.-1891 A.D.. I will use various 'historical' sources to do this as well as refering to my own research on the subject. I will be doing this through the medium of wargaming miniatures because as yet re-enactment groups specializing in the wars of Olde Albilande are not a thing (and miniatures are far cheeper!). I have no plans to work through the wars in any kind of sensible order but will do which ever one grabs my attention at the time. I will also use this blog to log the building and painting of the miniatures i will be using so as to provide a visual guide to the troops that took part and also to allow me to write about the colourful regiments and units that never actually took to the field in the name of whichever cause they were fighting for.
 
  So with that out of the way what did happen in the period i intend to cover?. To give an idea i thought i would produce a time line showing the various military happenings:

 You may need to click on it to read it.

 As i'm sure you can appreciate new infomation is not being unearthed all the time so this time line can only be conidered accurate at the time of writing. 

  So where to begin?, There are so many violent exchanges of various scales listed and so much ground to cover for each i am rather spoiled for choice!. Do i go with one of the many Lamavic invasions?, The Northern rebellion of 712? or even the disaster known only as the 'great mistake' of 1479?. I could even cover one of the wars of the age of steam from 1713 onwards.

Tuttinghamme steam tanks circa 1730.

One of the many dust ups of 'the great mistake' 1479

 Each have their own appeal to the non historian. But i will be starting with a war i feel gives a great over view of the character of each of the shires of Albilande and the various dynamics existing between them. But more of that in a future post. For now why not let me know which wars and events you would like me to cover in the comments?.

Sources:

This is a brief over view of the sources i will be using to put this blog together, where i refer to other material i will give credit when required.

Books: Olde Albilande, an argument against.- Dr T.T. Splaindall-White (Shizer 1974)

             Olde Albilande- Olde Shmandilande- P.L. Rightit (Spuriosity press 1986)

             Only an fu*%ing idiot would study Olde Albilande- P.L.Rightit (Spurosity press 1991)

             Seriously, Olde Albilande?...again? - P.L.Rightit (Spurosity press 1994)

             Life and Misery in the Middenlandes -Major L Ovingmanne (notabooks 1981)

             A study into the heart of a Wazzock, The cold hard history of Wazzockshire-  Y.H.H,                             Ovahnohw (Puffin childrens collection 1989) 

Local publications of the periods:

  I have almost complete collections of several local news papers of the various counties and authorities during the period i wish to cover or at least access to them due to the collections of fellow non historians:

Ye Olde Crivenshire Masticator (active 1045-present), i have a complete collection from issue 3 onwards (thank you ebay, £2.99+ postage!!).

Ye Divortshire 'appens ( active 1365-1802)

The Middenlande steamer (active from 1218-1801)

 The Ruckinghammeshire Draper (active 1451-1719)

 The lamavic Ya Fukkin' Ken? (active 1092-present)       

                                                                          

Other sources

 The regular telecaste: 'Todays happenings today', various sections of episodes still exist on youtube and in the collections of several collectors (who i will credit when the material makes it to the blog...I don't owe you money Peter Willikns, you can shove your copy of the 1789 omnibus up your....ehm)

The diary of Sir Pillockhamme Rutly- Bellage (1423-1461)

The annals of Dawkinsholme Cathedral (472-1337), used with permission.

What's this all about then?.

  'welcome to the strange, uncomfortable, unpleasant and often infuriating land of Olde Albilande. An insignificant backwater of an isle in a word ignored.'
                             Dr T.T. Splaindall-White 

 So begins the seminal 'Olde Albilande, an argument against' by Dr T.T. Splaindall-White (Shizer publishing 1974). A more fitting introduction I could not be bothered to think of. So why start a blog about the military history of such an unimportant footnote of a place?. Well dear reader the answer is simple...long winded but simple...let me explain...

  I first discovered the thrilling pastime of nonhistorical research in my youth. My local library had a well stocked section of over six books on the very subject and I devoured them all (except M.P. Arennials 'A study of Sprinting Gappe, fighting over nothing really' which as we all know is total bolloc...).

The section looked rather like this.

 I delighted in the works of P.L. Rightit, Major L Ovingmanne and Dr Splaindall-White, finding my self lost for hours in the wonderful accounts of the history they did not unearth. But it was with the discovery of  'How to research nonhistory' by Mr H Avesaque that my interest became an obsession.

  Soon after I was eagerly gathering non existent evidence for many periods of nonhistory. Fascinated was I by the Ruscavarian Mutton men uprising of 1619, the War of the seven Twattes of 1211 and the Pavishcan/ Dalovian faff of 1799 but where my ardor for the subject was truly inflamed was the 3rd Lamavacian invasion of Olde Albilande of 1002. Learning about such colourful characters as brave Lord 'one arm' Billington-Heap, Sir P'orrage the Pasted and the cunning Laird Bostitch the back stabber of Doonthaway really captured my imagination for the period and land in which in didn't happen. Soon I was delving into other great campaigns that never occurred in that place and soon I had amassed a fu*k-tonne of (non) information on the subject. 

Olde Albilande and the Lamavic isles around 1600 a.d.

  So my reasons for writing this blog are twofold. Firstly I wish to document the fictional history of that proud and oft (but not oft enough) imagined place, delving into the wars throughout the ages and why they never came to be. Secondly I hope to inspire you dear reader to yourself delve into ages past to imagine for yourself the bygone history that has never gripped the military historians past and present. So please, join me if you will as I provide my meticulously unresearched history of the key battles and wars of Olde Albilande, recreating them in miniature for your enjoyment.